The French sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann (2002) has analysed the first step in this process in an interview study about ‘the first morning’ of a new relationship. People are remembering how it felt to wake up in a new setting in what may be the start of a life-long relationship or just a temporary love affair. As two strangers start to share a morning together they often find themselves manoeuvring in a mine-field, where the tiniest routine may become endearing or provocative. For some of the interviewed couples the magic of new romance makes anything acceptable, while others start looking at the new partner’s morning routines in order to find out if this is a kind of person they are ready to share their life with.
Colombine remembers that first morning like this: ‘In the beginning this was an unknown house, with strange drawers and food you normally wouldn’t eat – it was a journey of discovery, a total discovery.’ With eyes wide open she enters the bathroom, checks the fridge and secretly glances at the photos on the desk. As a guest in this new morning universe she is cautious and lets her new partner get the breakfast things and give the morning its shape and rhythm.
Anna wakes up surrounded by her new partner’s family. In spite of the friendly atmosphere, she is trying to make herself as invisible as possible, all the time afraid she will lose her face. Every gadget or task seems like a potential trap.
It was not until the third day that Vincent realized he had committed a deadly sin by using the wash basin to the left in the bathroom. It was strictly reserved for the father in the house and the rest of the family had to use the one on the right. ‘I thought this was comical, I just couldn’t get it,’ he remembers.
The new couple watches each other’s behaviour, adapts or feels provoked. Many feel petty in their judgements of the other person’s habits; even the smallest detail gathers great importance. Is it important to shower before breakfast? Can one blow one’s nose on a piece of toilet paper? What is seen as cute and what seems awkward or perhaps even revolting?
As morning follows morning a de- or reroutinization takes place. What kinds of morning routines are you ready to compromise about? As the first intense passion fades away, the tolerance for what is seen as strange behaviour diminishes. You no longer want to live as a guest.
When Isa visited Tristan she felt like a different woman who accepted the strangest habits, like having spaghetti and cheese for breakfast, or going along with the very slow rhythm of her new boyfriend’s morning routines. But the day she decided to move in with him, she started to see his habits with new eyes: ‘As I opened my suitcase I felt like changing everything according to my own needs.’ Others tell that it was through confrontations like these they realized how obsessed they were with their own routines. Why were they so immensely important?
Routines – Made and Unmade
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